Inhale, exhale, think

   Houston, we have a problem...recently, whenever I actually start writing, I feel blank. All my thoughts and links between them come to the surface right before falling asleep, in the dark, when my mind starts to settle. There are so many of these, so many different topics I see from so many different angles...childhood, corruption and hypocrisy in our society and leadership, sexuality, art, deeper things of all sorts...preoccupations. One thing that bothers me, as I've probably mentioned before, is that my thoughts move much faster than my pen/fingers/words ever will...I feel like a lot of things of which I'd wish to express are going to waste. And I think the worst thing for an art-oriented person (regardless if painter, writer, musician, actor etc.) is being trapped and oppressed. I guess that is mainly because it feels like creation and thus, evolution is our duty, our thing. Some of us want to make a change in the world, grow new branches of logic and perspective, make others question things and feed their imagination, extend limits. And not being able to express all you have inside, in the best possible way and in the most satisfying way for yourself, is the ultimate frustration.
   
   There was this thought for example...about artists. When being what society calls 'normal' and conforming to the simple-minded dull majority, everything is peachy and you might actually be treated like a person. Whereas, in the moment you display your art to people, you will scare most of them, pretty often close ones, relatives. If you have a mind that works for itself, questioning things and having multiple perspective will have you make a lot of connections between a lot of things  and ideas, the more you think about them, the further you'll get with your 'web of thoughts', well, your philosophy. And the further you extend your mental capacities and comprehension, the more likely you'll inevitably reach darker areas of the human as a creature. It's like being in a computer game (not that I know much about them) and having a map in front of you; the more you explore, the more you will know (experience -mentally), from mountain tops to bottomless pits so to say. And I myself am fascinated by this darker part...mostly because they are realms not everyone will reach. Or I am sure the majority won't, because instead of showing interest to the unknown and hidden, they take the easy way out, which is fear and ignorance. But as that was never an option for me, I prefer to know and understand, even help. The more kinds of people you actually listen to regardless of how fucked up their problems are and you don't automatically push them away due to these problems like most people will, the more you'll find out about the depth of your own being and it will enrich that web of thoughts.
   So! Once you've got to grasp this darker side which is more obscure and christians would say - sinful, it is actually the most pure and honest side. This is that side that exists in all of us, the freak within, which most people don't let to the surface because of herd conformity, and we who do let it also hold back some of it for ourselves. It is that place where all your evil dwells in a amniotic flui called lack of hypocrisy. I wish more people would let this fluid flood them, bringing along waves of their hidden freakishness, bringing it to the surface of their being. But I'm afraid that is too rare. Once this side takes you over, it will bring out the best in you, in some way. Artists have their art as an outlet for this side of theirs in different ways. Some prefer this to be 'dark and twisted' as some would call it...I do prefer it. And all this is made even darker and more agressive, sad, resigned yet rebel by the stupidity around that is one major frustration, something I will never accept, much less adapt to! So if I write or paint something 'outrageous, gross or scary' (no, they don't bother interpreting or looking for a deeper meaning), the same people who see me being all nice and sweet at family reunions for example, smiling at me and approving of me, will look at me with fear and repulsion once they see what I am capable of. I think in that moment they feel like they've just realized they didn't really, really know me. They have seen an unknown side...and as said above - unkown = fear and repulsion. And so, they will end up questioning themselves about me, instead of questioning me directly and listening to me=> they will only see exactly what they want to see. 
   People should really learn to listen to another voice except their own, the voice of whom they are about to judge. Otherwise, they will rot in their little coccoon, tossing and turning in their ignorance forever and ever...